I’ve been thinking about how to write this post all day, and by all day I mean since three am this morning when I sat rocking my 15 month old in his room, who was screaming in his crib with what appeared to be a night terror. And then again, once I laid him down to go feed my starving seven week old. And then, again… at five thirty am, when poor little Jaxon had another night terror. To sum it all up, this is how our bed looked when I got up to get ready for my day, this morning…
Josh with a pillow over his head to drown out the noise, Jaxon spread out and taking over most of the bed… At this point, I was laying at the foot of the bed just to be comfortable and then laid down with Abigail to feed her, where she eventually just fell asleep. And then there was me. A sleepless, exhausted, near-dehydrated, starving (thank you breastfeeding) mombie.
My day progressed to actually shaving my legs (which is now a treat, since Jaxon is so interested in every aspect of our lives that meaningless things become objects of desire, simply because they’re not his.), showering and emotionally eating a quarter pint of delicious dairy-free ice cream for breakfast. Then, packing the diaper bag, getting Jaxon’s to-go breakfast made and getting everything ready so we could go to my doctor’s appointment.
Some people have kids that are early risers, with decent morning attitudes… they are the ones who say “get out early in the morning so you can get everything done before nap time”. Well, we are not that kind of family, and mornings are awful for doing most anything. Jaxon enjoys sleep to the point where he’s an absolute BUTT if he’s woken up or has to be around people before he’s awake (which is exactly like his daddy). Since he slept so terribly, I genuinely considered rescheduling my doctor’s appointment so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the repercussions of the day. And, well… having a seven week old who is a light sleeper and cluster-feeds in the morning makes for the perfect storm. I can not tell you how many blessings and prayers I said over my day and attitude on that drive to the doctor’s.
Get home from the doctor’s and Jaxon goes down for a nap, only to have Abigail wake up starving. Feed Abigail, put her down, feed the dogs and make myself a real breakfast. Abigail wakes up because she’s uncomfortable in her bouncer. Re-swaddle her and fix her head position and go back to eating. Finish and lay down. It has now been forty-five minutes since Jaxon was laid down for a nap. Abigail’s sleeping, Jaxon’s sleeping, dogs are calm and fed and the house is quiet. Perfect time for a nap, right? Wrong. I’ve laid down and closed my eyes for not more than five minutes before Abigail’s bouncer’s self-timer has shut off and the silence and lack of movement has woken her up… again. Get up, turn it back on, put a White Noise App on my phone next to her and lay back on the couch. Finally, I can sleep. And… Jaxon’s screaming. And from the sound of it, another bad dream. I look up at the clock, it’s been seven minutes since I laid down. Figuring he’ll calm himself down and lay there til he fully wakes up, I let him be… only to have him scream loud enough to wake up Abigail, who is now crying also.
And now, I want to cry.
Which, I did. For a few minutes. And then I got up and vacuumed. Because little babies love the loud whirring sound of a vacuum, and Jaxon is respectfully afraid of it, to where he’ll just sit quietly on the couch and watch me. Put some music on and vacuumed the living room. Twice. Took a breather and amazingly, it gave me the extra boost to push on.
Thankfully, my husband came home about half an hour later. I don’t know about any of you, but somehow my kids seem to just “know” when daddy’s home, and act so much better. It’s so frustrating. Especially when his work calls him away for days at a time…
Being a mom of two-under-two, you have days like this… Days where you have to reapply makeup, or eat ice cream for breakfast, or just let go and not do the dishes. You have to take time for yourself and do whatever you can and whatever you need to pull yourself together and remember that God has control, even if you don’t. When I woke up this morning, the first thing I told my loving, sleepy-eyed, dead-tired husband was, “we need a king sized bed”. It’s true that it would make things so much easier on nights like last night, but what anyone with any number of any aged children really needs is a support system. Someone to tell you “You’re doing a great job.” and help keep the kids busy while you make lunch or do dishes or even just take a nap. It isn’t always the spouse, or the mother or the best friend. Sometimes it’s the neighbor who sits at home all day and would love for you to ask for help. Sometimes it’s the new girl at church who’s eager to make friends but everyone seems so busy trying to do everything on their own that they “don’t have time” and it’s “because of the kids”.
Basically, what I’ve learned from having two tiny humans is that you have to be open to asking for help, for the sake of your humanity and sanity. Be willing to be honest about things and communicate your feelings. We all need help, we all need sleep, we’re not super humans and we’re not invincible. Don’t freak out if your kids don’t get their serving of vegetables and fruit every day. Or if you need a glass or two of wine at the end of a day. It doesn’t mean you’re failing, it just means you’re human. We all have those days and we all have problems. No king sized bed will solve those problems or fix our attitude about them. Just remember not to let the little things ruin the rest of what day you have left.
And, for the record… King sized beds will only mean there’s more room for your child to take up.